


Doomsday

by cpt_s_america



Category: X-Men Evolution
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, Drabbles, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Like so much angst, basically spans from around spykecam to end of series, if you look closely you should be able to follow along and know around which episode each blurb is, remy lebeau finds the one thing he isn't willing to gamble with and he's terrified, that is until part 3 and 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22536829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cpt_s_america/pseuds/cpt_s_america
Summary: Canon divergent look (in drabble form) into what would have happened if Remy and Rogue had become friends before Day of Reckoning. It’s a countdown to doomsday (DoR) as Remy and Rogue grow closer and his guilt grows at lying to her about who he is and who he works for. Angst. So much angst. Will be in 3 parts. Rated M for language and sexual situations.
Relationships: Remy LeBeau/Rogue
Comments: 7
Kudos: 52





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this fic kind of came out of nowhere. Angst isn't my usual deal, but here we are. Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> Quick side note, I feel like sometimes when I write as Remy, Rogue comes out so much softer, like seeing her through his cheesy-ass-rose-colored-glasses. So hopefully it's not too jarring, but I do know she came out much softer than I would usually want her in this fic.
> 
> Huge thanks to thehazeofdusk for reading and encouragement and general awesomeness :)

It’s 29 days until the unveiling of his new boss’ big plan. Something about evolution and a crystal. He doesn't honestly care all that much. Remy isn't sure it will really affect him anyway. He hadn’t intended to leave home, but then home forced him out, so here he is under contract with some hot shot mutant terrorist wanting to crush the homosapiens or whatever.

To be honest, there’s not really much for Remy to do yet anyway. Magneto hadn’t been intending on hiring any members for his team, but then something went wrong with his original team and he’d needed a plan B. Thus, Remy. And the crazy Australian guy. And the quiet Russian.

He’s not sure what ruined Magneto’s original team (something about Mystique losing a prize mutant to the X men) but he figures it works for him just fine for now.

* * *

It’s 27 days until Magneto’s crazy crystal plan, and Remy is bored out of his skull. He supposes getting paid a shit ton to sit around and do nothing (for now) is a pretty sweet deal, but he’s not used to a stagnant lifestyle and he’s going stir crazy in this town.

* * *

It’s 25 days until Magneto’s master plan, and Remy finally has something to do. Magneto has presented to him files to sift through to better learn the enemy. Magneto wants him comfortable with each person before he goes out to personally spy on them and get more information.

He’s not sure spying on teenagers is what he would have ever imagined doing with his skills, but at least he has something to do other than shuffle his cards.

* * *

  
  


It’s 24 days until Magneto’s first step to taking over the world and Remy sees her for the first time, albeit in picture form. This sullen looking goth girl, only about three years his junior, was the prize mutant Magneto’s so pissed about losing? Sure her powers were something else, but they also had the major drawback of potentially knocking people into comas. Remy inspects her file and, outside of her pretty face, he decides there must be something missing from the paperwork that explains why she’s so special.

* * *

  
  


It’s 22 days until Magneto’s first step to taking over the world and Remy is on a mission. A self imposed mission, but a mission all the same. He has been able to watch over almost every member of the team: the tall ginger who has boys falling all over her, the boy scout with a giant stick up his ass, the skateboarder always drinking milk, the freshman valley girl taking senior level classes, and the goofy kid always talking about burgers. He’s seen them all and learned more than he probably needed to about each teen. 

All but her.

* * *

  
  


It’s 21 days until the big plan comes to fruition and he finally sees her in person. He knows Magneto’s original team, including his son, are headed to some camp so he follows them there hoping that maybe this time he’ll get a glance at the one X man who has been alluding him. He is nothing if not tenacious when he has a goal in mind and the fact that she is still a mystery makes this into a game for him.

He finally sees her and she is everything he’d never imagined. He’d assumed she’d be quiet, withdrawn, and timid. He learns later that she is all of those things, but only after she is brash, sassy, and a perfect southern belle. He laughs to himself when he overhears her sarcastic comments and finds that he was right: the X man that had taken him the longest to find might just be the most interesting one. 

* * *

  
  


It’s 17 days until the big plan comes to fruition and he almost feels bad for the small peppy girl, putting in maximum effort trying to create conversation with the goth. They are polar opposites, but there seems to at least be a mutual respect between them. The little one keeps asking questions about this and that and trying her damndest to engage the Rogue, who looks uncomfortable more than anything else, in shopping. The little one has yet to realize she is a puppy bouncing around and looking to play with a grumpy cat. A very cute cat, he can’t help but think, but a cat all the same.

* * *

It’s 15 days until the big plan comes to fruition and he’s learned all he needs to know about the X men. He doesn’t really need to be going out to watch them anymore. He’s thorough and good at his job-there’s a reason Magneto hired him. Still he finds himself continuing to go out every day anyway, haunting her favorite coffee shop and the library where she goes after school sometimes. He knows he’s being kind of creepy, but, for some reason he can’t explain, he is incredibly curious to learn more about her.

* * *

It’s 13 days unti Magneto unleashes his plan unto the mutant world and he decides fuck it all. He pops in his “regular eye” contacts and decides he just wants to meet her once. Just one time and his curiosity would end like that. It always has ended quickly for him when it comes to women. Although she's certainly unique, she will be no different.

When she goes to walk out of the coffee shop, he bumps into her, sending her coffee flying everywhere. Remy grabs her arm to steady her and she shakes him off as soon as she can, as if his touch burns her. He apologizes, making sure to throw a few french endearments in as he does so. He wants to see how she’ll respond. 

She doesn’t disappoint when she reacts the exact opposite way most women did around him. She gruffly tells him not to worry about it, shoulders her bag closer to her and hurries off out the door. No fawning over him. No stopping to chat in their little rom-com “meet-cute” moment. Huh. That’s unexpected, he thinks to himself.

* * *

Its 12 days until Magneto unleashes his plan unto the mutant world, and Remy is more concerned with his own plan going well. He sits in the coffee shop, waiting for her to come in to do her homework. She arrives right on schedule and he hears the barista tell her that her drink has been paid for. Rogue is confused, until the barista gestures her in his direction. He is, as planned, leaned back in his chair, casually reading his book. He doesn’t check to see if she’s coming over. He knows she is.

And she does, but not to say thank you and maybe stay for a chit chat, as he’d assumed (hoped?). She simply plops the cup of coffee on the table in front of him and storms out of the shop.

He is bewildered, and quickly grabs his stuff so he can chase after her.

It’s starting to rain, he notes as he pulls his duster on. He moves quickly in her direction, not paying any mind to the other people walking by. She’s quick, but his legs are longer and he catches up with her fast enough.

He grabs her by the arm, glad he half expected her to swing at him so he could dodge in time.

She is frowning, her face is guarded, and she is glaring at him with the strength of ten pro fighters. She asks what his problem is.

He laughs, unable to help himself. He tells her he’d wanted to make up bumping into her yesterday and they’re both frequent customers (true enough now) so he hadn’t seen the harm in it. She rolls her eyes and tells him it’s not necessary, but thanks.

The rain is suddenly coming down harder and she looks up to the sky in worry. She tells him thanks again but she has to go now. He knows she is intending to walk home. He also knows it’s also at least a mile or two walk back. She’s perfectly capable of getting home, but he feels she shouldn’t have to.

He hollars after her, hoping calling her a River Rat will at least get her to turn around. This time he is right in his prediction and she stops and turns, calling him a Swamp Rat in the process.

He laughs again at her sass and asks her if she’s planning on walking home in this weather. She never gets to answer because two dumb jocks from across the street start yelling in her direction. She narrows her eyes at the idiots and Remy recognizes one of them from her school. They begin to cross the street just in time for the rain to fall even faster, making a bee line for Rogue.

Remy steps closer to her, annoyed their conversation has been interrupted just when he was finally getting somewhere. They are typical high school jocks, the ones Remy enjoyed pickpocketing from during Mardi Gras. Easy target, usually always a douchebag.

Not paying Remy any mind, the two guys circle Rogue, getting in her space and spitting insults. She tries to dodge around them, but her arms are exposed and she doesn’t have enough space to get away.

Ignoring him in favor of Rogue was a stupid move on their part: Remy’s done with this bullshit. He twists the blonde’s arm back painfully and tells them to get lost. The blonde almost looks like he wants to put up a fight, but his friend drags him away.

Alone again, Remy is finally able to tell her he has an apartment right around the corner. He’s not trying to be a creep, he reassures her, he just doesn’t want a River Rat like herself to drown trying to walk home.

She snorts and hesitates before cautiously agreeing.

He lets them in to his apartment, thankful he’s generally always been a clean guy, and they dry off. She takes the clothing he offers her to change into while hers go through the dryer and then they settle on his couch. 

Unable to control his curiosity, he immediately starts asking about her life and to his surprise, she answers some of his questions. He’s even more surprised when she asks him questions and he finds himself answering her honestly.

The conversation lasts as long as the storm, several hours of easy conversation flowing from topic to topic. Remy cannot remember the last time he’s talked with someone for this long (or even half as long) without getting bored.

When the rain finally stops, she tells him she has to go-her home will worry about her. He agrees that’s a good idea and gets up to walk her out. Before she leaves he gives her his cell number. He knows she’ll make it home okay, but he also is unable to fight the desire to know that she makes it home safely. She laughs and tells him she’ll be fine, but agrees to text him when she makes it.

His eyes are burning from the amount of time he’s had his contacts in, but somehow he feels like every little bit of discomfort to hide his eyes was worth it after getting to talk to her.

He’s not sure why he waits up until she texts him she’s made it home safe, but he’s weirdly uncomfortable going to sleep until he’s sure she’s made it.

She does text him when she makes it and he can’t help but smile as he responds before turning in for the night.

* * *

It's 8 days until Magneto unleashes his master plan and Remy has been sitting on his couch for hours, texting with Rogue. It’s become a daily ritual for him: check in at the base, do some workouts, shoot the shit with Pete, shower, and head to the coffee shop so he can see Rogue. Whether she’s able to make it to the shop or not, he always ends up back in his apartment talking with her in the hours before they head to bed. He marvels that they never seem to run out of things to say. Sometimes, if he’s lucky, he can convince her to come hang out at his place and watch a movie. He likes being able to see her smile and hear the humor in her voice as she cracks a joke.

He worries this is a terrible idea, getting to know her, especially when he knows he works for the "enemy team" and she has no clue. Still he cannot resist continuing to talk to her and learning  everything he can.

* * *

It's 7 days until Magneto's big day and they are at the coffee shop, talking again. They've been talking for hours (as is their norm), and Remy thinks to himself that he'd never thought he'd meet a person he doesn't get tired of. He really likes seeing her smile and is incredibly proud of himself whenever he earns a laugh from her. They talk until the coffee staff kicks them out for close and then after they head to their respective homes, they text for several hours more.

* * *

It’s 4 days until Magneto’s big day and after they're kicked out of the coffee shop at closing time, they are caught in the rain again. He drapes her with his duster and they run for the safety of his apartment, giggling with each other like children playing in a spring shower.

They get inside his place and he goes to dry off, knowing she is comfortable enough with his place at this point to find towels to dry her hair off. He walks out of his bedroom after changing to find her staring at him.

He freezes, unsure what she’s looking at and almost comically looks behind him.

She speaks before he has to wonder for too long, curiosity in her voice as she asks about his eyes.

Remy curses to himself, realizing his contacts must have dried up from the rain and come out when he was drying off. He feels his face burn in panic over the numerous problems his eyes cause and he feels like his heart stops, knowing where this is going and not ready to hear his friend’s reaction to his devil eyes.

He struggles to find words when she steps closer and asks if these are his real eyes. He nods, speechless, ready for her to scream or cower or shrink away, or avoid looking at him, or any of the things people do when they see his real eyes.

He should have expected her to surprise him, she always does. She does none of those things, simply smiles gently, looking him straight in the eye the entire time, and asks what his power is. 

He is shocked and also wary of telling her too much, but has no way to cover this up so they can go back to five minutes ago. There are more landmines than his eyes and his powers though, he knows. He needs to be careful, or their budding friendship could come to an abrupt halt. If she let any of the X men know about him, they would come looking to try and get him to join their team, which he doubted Magneto would take kindly to.

He pulls out his deck of cards and demonstrates, lighting up the first card he pulled and sending it (and the nervous energy he'd poured into the charge) flying out his apartment window. It's the Queen of Hearts, he notes to himself absently. He looks to Rogue. She looks on in wonder and when she turns to look back into his eyes, he still sees no fear on her face, only a soft smile (the one he's beginning to realize might be his favorite).

He is smart enough to remember to ask her to not tell anyone: if his name or powers or eyes get mentioned around the wrong people he’ll be in a world of trouble (true, even if some details were left out). She doesn’t ask questions and just nods. 

He almost neglects to ask her power back (because obviously she would assume she'd given up her secret by asking him his power), forgetting he only knows the answer because of Magneto’s files.

She frowns and explains information he mostly already knows, but he’s fine with this because it allows him to take a moment to really think about this girl in front of him. He is surprised to understand the long term effects of her powers in her brain though, or how completely uncontrollable her skin was. Magneto had written down so many theories in her file, but he’d assumed that was to make her stronger: not to fix what even Rogue called “broken”.

Still, as she talks about her powers and the psyches in her brain and never having a moment to herself anymore, she is optimistic in her sadness. She is truly unexpected (but valued) to him for all the reasons he never could have predicted.

* * *

It’s 3 days until the big day and he realizes he likes it that now she doesn’t have to tell him white lies about her mutation or the X men. He knows she would never be the kind of person to spill all their secrets, but he likes that she feels like she can trust him enough to not make up excuses anymore.

He doesn’t like the feeling of guilt that brings when he remembers exactly why she shouldn’t be trusting him. It’s a weird feeling, he muses, wanting to save her from himself.

* * *

It’s the day of Magneto’s big plan and Remy is surprised to find himself worrying over Rogue. She can handle herself, he knows, and she wouldn’t be sucked in by Magneto’s grand plan for evolution, he hopes. If the crystal could simply grant her control, he feels he would be among the first to hope she would do it. But he knows there’s no proof the crystal actually works and he also knows there will be a price tag attached that Rogue wouldn’t want to pay.


	2. Part 2

It’s 95 days until Magneto’s new and improved doomsday plot and Remy feels a tightness in his chest as he sits at their coffee shop, hoping she'll show up today. She hadn't yesterday or the day before. She also hasn't responded to the text he sent yesterday.

* * *

It's 94 days until Magneto's new foolproof plan to destroy the world as we know it, and she finally responds, apologetic for taking so long. He is very uncomfortable with the amount of relief seeing her name on his phone brings, but all the same he is relieved.

* * *

It's 93 days until the new foolproof plan to destroy the world as we know it and he finds just walking around a park and talking about their lives is the highlight of his day. He's glad for summertime and her current lack of school. He's also glad for the way the sun brings out flecks of green in her eyes.

* * *

It's 90 days until the new foolproof doomsday plot and he can't think of a better day he's had in so long. They are both homesick and decide the only solution is to spend the entire day in his kitchen together. He feels peaceful cooking their favorite comfort foods, laughing, and watching nostalgic movies. When she is there, moving around him as they cook, his apartment feels warmer. His chest does too.

He thinks to himself that if he has her around, maybe eventually it won't be so bad to be banished from home.

* * *

It's 86 days until the new doomsday plot and he feels like a pouting child as she starts talking about going back to school. At least she seems to dislike the idea just as much as he does.

* * *

It's 80 days until the new doomsday plot and Remy is surprised to find he misses her. With school in session he hasn't gotten to see her at all this week. He is uncomfortable with how much of a fixture she has become in his life and how much her absence affects him.

* * *

It's 79 days until the new doomsday plot and he cannot hide his excitement when her school day is cancelled due to a “mysterious” event the night beforehand. Apparently, the bossman's kid got a little too excited about revealing mutants to the world, jumped the gun, and a large portion of the football field got destroyed in the process. He'd been annoyed the night beforehand when he'd had to go clean up Quicksilver's mess (unable to even sneak a peak for his friend because she could _not_ see him working with the Acolytes or Brotherhood), but when she'd texted him this morning asking if he was free, he was suddenly so grateful to those idiots in the Brotherhood he could kiss them.

* * *

It’s 75 days until the new doomsday plot and he’s outside the bounds of the X Mansion. She hadn’t shown up at the coffee shop the past two days and didn’t respond to his messages either. He was starting to worry. 

He is relieved to find Rogue sitting in the gazebo, knees pulled up to her chest. He is less relieved to see she is talking to the boy scout about something. She looks sad (and even sadder as the conversation continues) and he wishes he was closer so he could hear what they’re saying. He also wishes he could get rid of the feeling in his chest that seeing her so close to Cyclops brings. He knows Cyclops is just her friend, but he's such an _important_ friend for her it makes Remy frustrated.

He cannot resist pulling out his phone to send her a quick text asking if she wants to meet at the coffee shop. 

He is triumphant when she picks up her phone midconversation with the boy scout and smiles at what she sees.

He doesn’t stay to watch, just rushes home to change out of his uniform and into regular clothes so he can go meet her.

* * *

It's 70 days until the new foolproof doomsday plot and they should both feel guilty right now, but neither really do. They have woken up to phone call after phone call on her cell. She answers, already cringing. He can hear a deep masculine voice on the other end (Wolverine, he's sure) chewing her out immediately, even as she apologizes for forgetting to tell them where she was. 

He waits next to her, knowing he could have prevented this if he'd had the heart to wake her up after she'd fallen asleep on his couch, even if only to ask her if she'd texted her guardians where she was. At the time, it had felt more important to tuck her in with his comforter and brush her hair out of her face before retreating to his room to sleep as well. He'd like to say he feels bad, but he knows he doesn't.

Over the phone, the question is finally asked: where _is_ she then? She hesitates and says Risty's. Remy's heard the name and is grateful Rogue's both smart and considerate enough of the privacy requests he'd made to keep his name out of the conversation. She reminds Logan she's not allowed to bring friends home on short notice ( _remember?_ ), so she'd gone over to her friend's house and had forgotten to call before staying the night. She'd thought she'd mentioned going over to a friend’s house to Jean before the older girl went off to the fair, Rogue said.

Remy is surprised to hear the Wolverine concede and let her off with a warning. He feels maybe Wolverine has a soft spot for Rogue-one that Magneto could exploit. A soft spot Remy immediately knows he will never reveal to his boss. He expects himself to feel just a _little_ guilty about slacking off from his job, but then he looks at Rogue's face again, apologetic as she hangs up the phone and says she has to go, and he knows he has no regrets on that front.

* * *

It's 68 days until doomsday and now that they've used the cover of "hanging out with Risty", he is glad she is so willing to use it. He knows from watching her friends (which he still does occasionally, just so Magneto has proof he is doing his job) that they were starting to get concerned with the amount of time she was spending out of the mansion with no indication of where she was.

He checks in a few days after she first used the excuse and is happy to hear the goofball and the tiny girl talking about how happy they are Rogue is making more friends. He is even happier to hear their concern for Rogue's loneliness is genuine.

* * *

It's 64 days until doomsday and she tells him she needs to _actually_ hang out with Risty after school today. They hadn't technically made plans, but it's Friday night and they'd seemed to fall into an unofficial pattern of always spending Fridays together. He gets it and does his best to be casual, but he has to work to calm down the gross feeling in his stomach left behind in the wake of the excitement he'd had for that night.

She says her housemates are throwing some party and Risty's going so she should probably hang out with the girl who'd become their unknowing cover. It's smart, but it doesn't make him like it anymore.

She does say she wishes he could come, and he considers for a moment, wondering if he would be able to pull it off.

Then he remembers how many more people he would have to avoid until Magneto’s reveal and how easily it could ruin his friendship with Rogue if she found out about his secrets from someone other than himself. He swallows a lump in his throat and agrees he wishes he could too, but he’ll see her tomorrow.

* * *

It's 61 days until doomsday and he sees Risty for the first time as he ventures around Bayville High arbitrarily, looking for some sort of recon he can give to Magneto. Something about the young Brit rubs him the wrong way, but he can't explain it so he keeps his concerns to himself.

* * *

It's 60 days until doomsday and he realizes he's not doing right by her. He is as honest as possible with her, something he can't say about pretty much anyone else, but he's still hiding the fact that he's on the opposing team and spying on her team for intel.

He is more upset by the information that he would have expected to be. He'd known the reality going into their friendship, but as he drops off a report to Magneto with details about everyone on her team (including one small, harmless fact about her to keep from being suspicious) he finally understands how much he's letting her down, even if she doesn't know.

* * *

It’s 59 days until doomsday and he wakes immediately when he hears a tentative knock on his door. Heart pounding, he throws on jeans and rushes over, knowing it could only be one person. She is drenched to the bone and clearly uncomfortable coming to him uninvited.

She tries to apologize for interrupting his night and then for not texting ahead of time, southern manners bleeding through her upset and covering up her usual sass. He waves her off and guides her in with a hand on her shoulder even before he notices the giant, angry cut across her shoulder to her collar, bleeding through her shirt and already bruising.

When he does notice, he has to make a concerted effort to not take off and go hunt down whoever caused this. He has to quickly reassure her he's not pissed at her, that he’s happy she came to him and that she knows she’s always welcome. He knows the look in his eyes is murderous and does his best to calmly get towels and first aid supplies instead of immediately demanding to know who did this to her.

His jaw hurts from how hard it’s clenching and she tells him about the assholes (soon to be dead meat assholes) who cornered her and attacked her. They pulled a knife on her, so she assumes it must have been a mugging. She tells him for the first time in her life, she is grateful for her skin: the second one of them slapped her, he’d been knocked out and the other one ran away in terror.

He asks if she got enough of his psyche to know where to find the guys. She hesitates answering enough that he knows the answer is yes. He knows he demands a little too forcefully and that she can see his hands clenching in anger as he does his best to patch her up and stop the bleeding, but he can’t help it. He wants to go find those jackasses and teach them not to mess with his girl.

He listens when she tells him not to but notes to himself that this is now the second time some random person has attacked Rogue in the time he’s known her. The X Men, for however much they bragged about saving mutants and everyone, had failed her both times. She'd never admit it and he'd never say it, but he finds himself deciding that if they aren't going to look out for her, he had extra time and she was becoming worth more and more of that time every moment he spent around her.

They wait for the rain to stop and he takes her home, comforted by the feel of her behind him on his bike. He knows it’s stupid to venture so close to the X mansion in plain view, but decides it’s worth the risk to make sure she gets home safe.

* * *

It’s 58 days until the boss man's big plan will come to a head, and he is drilling her on some self defense techniques. He knows she is already very talented and she knows most of this, but there’s only so much one girl can do against men almost double her size without practice. If someone comes after her again, he doesn’t want her skin to have to save her.

He’s given her a key to his apartment, just in case. He is upset at all the worst case scenarios of what could have been if he hadn’t been there.

* * *

It's 55 days before the big plan will come to a head and Remy learns for maybe the first time in his life that someone _can_ make a genuine offer of kindness and want nothing in return. Although she is rough and coarse in mannerisms, offering kindness is second nature to her and he greedily accepts, not sure how to believe or respond to her willingness to listen to his problems and his troubles at home. She is listening to him actively, not trying to relate anything back to herself or asking for him to listen to her worries in trade. Unlike him, he knows she will never use this information against him either, which brings a weird feeling of safety and a large feeling of confusion at how new this sensation is.

His entire life he’d been taught through experience that everyone wants something back. Always.

Everyone except her.

* * *

It’s still 55 days until the big plan comes to fruition and he comes to the realization before drifting off to sleep that somehow this girl has become his best friend.

* * *

It's 54 days until the big reveal (almost 53, really) and she has fallen asleep on his couch after their Friday night movie marathon. He sits next to her, brushing her hair off her face and wondering why it is he cares so much about her.

* * *

Its 51 days until the big reveal and she has woken up on his couch again, a pink blush staining her cheeks that makes his heart clench in ways he's not entirely comfortable with.

It’s nice, he thinks to himself, to cook breakfast for two instead of one.

* * *

It is 49 days until the big reveal and he realizes he is playing a game that gets more dangerous every time he sees her. 

He is lying through omission to his best friend every time he sees her, lying to his boss by not passing on information he has, and most of all lying to himself when he thinks there will be a way this can all turn out in the end.

* * *

It’s 48 days before the big reveal and he is sent off on a several day mission. He doesn’t (can’t) explain, but she doesn’t ask. He appreciates it, but also wishes she would ask so he would have to clarify and explain everything.

* * *

It's 43 days before the big reveal and he _hates_ Warren Worthington III. He hates Warren’s overall personality, his demeanor, his ability to wiggle out of his boss’ framing, his stupid wings, and most of all the way Warren’s name falls from Rogue’s lips more than once when they’re finally able to meet up over holiday break.

* * *

It’s 41 days before the big reveal and they decide to celebrate the end of her break in the best way they know how: another movie marathon (they were slowly running out of movies to show each other, so they’d begun scrolling through shitty horror flicks to find any hidden gems), a giant southern style meal, and each other curled up on his couch. He can’t think of a better way to spend his time.

* * *

It’s 39 days before the big reveal and he is laughing harder than he knew he could, listening to her dramatically tell the story of one of the Brotherhood boys joining the X Men that week. He wishes he could counter with the tale of Pyro taking a nap midday and sleepwalking around the base _naked_ the other day, but that in turn reminds him of all that he is keeping from her.

* * *

It’s 35 days until the big reveal and she is completely shaken up when he gets to the door, wiping sleep from his eyes. Although he is happy this time she used her key, he is terrified at what could have affected her so much to use it. Paler than normal, anxiously working her fingers around each other, and over-apologetic to drop in on him without texting first; she just needed to get her mind off of today.

He pulls her into a hug and does his best to gently remind her he gave her a key for a reason and she's allowed to come and go here as she pleases. She nods into his chest and he holds her until he feels her relax.

He leads her to his couch and they sit together. He has never been shy about putting his arm around a girl on a couch, but for some reason she breaks all of his previously established norms, including this one. They are both blushing when he finally does and he thinks it’s nice to see her with a little color back in her cheeks.

She tells him about her day; the mutant who can control people’s minds, having to fight her friends, and worst, to her, how that guy’s still out there somewhere.

Remy shudders to think of such a power and is secretly glad she’d escaped her friends' fate of being mind controlled. He hoped neither of them would ever see the little weasel again, but something about her story made him worry his hopes were for naught.

* * *

It is 33 days until the big reveal and he waits anxiously to hear back from her. She’s at some school dance and he cannot for the life of him figure out why it bothers him so much. He couldn’t have gone, even if she’d asked him, but part of him wishes she had anyway.

* * *

It’s 29 days until doomsday and he is overjoyed when he gets a text from her saying she’s completely free for the next few days. Something about a bunch of her housemates going on a trip, so her morning and after school workouts (danger room sessions, he knows, although he can’t tell her that) are cancelled. He should wait to respond, be casual. Cool. Suave. But he cannot help himself and before he knows it, he’s inviting her over for a movie marathon.

When she knocks at the door, he cannot stop the wide smile that spreads across his face. It seems his smile is contagious as her face soon matches his own.

They eat shitty take out and watch terrible horror movies until the early hours of the night, laughing and joking and enjoying the comfort of being around each other. They start out simply sitting next to each other, but quickly his arm is around her shoulders and she is curled into his side.

He is about to turn to her to finally admit he has to tell her something, when he feels her head roll onto his shoulder. He looks down and can’t stop himself from marvelling over how cute she can look, especially when she’s asleep.

He covers them with a blanket and gently resituates them so her neck will not be killing her tomorrow. He brushes her bangs out of her face before he finally settles in and lets himself fall asleep as well.

* * *

It's 26 days until doomsday and he finally figures out he loves her.

She is laying on his couch, in his arms, gently drawing patterns on his chest as they talk for hours. He tells her everything about his past, but still cannot voice the future. He bares his soul, wishing she could know how earnestly he feels for her. 

She tells him of her past and each new piece of information endears her to him even more. His arm trails lazily up and down her waist and he lets his head rest on her hair as they tear their pasts to shreds together. 

She tells him of a particularly rough time when she’d discovered Mystique’s tricks to get her away from the X Men and he feels bile in his throat remembering whose secret he is technically protecting when he sends Rogue back home. Her home where Mystique lays in wait for trouble, disguised as the Professor. 

But then she finishes the memory and admits she hates Mystique and her betrayals, but she became who she was through them so she cannot begrudge her former mentor. She likes who she is, mostly, and in that moment he is well and truly fucked as realizes he more than likes who she is (good and bad and everything in between); he loves her. 

He loves her for who she was, who she is, and all that she will be.

She falls asleep on his chest and he cannot stop himself from kissing her hair over and over, wishing he had the courage to do so when she was awake, and pulling her tighter against him as he too eventually drifts off into the early morning hours.

* * *

It's 23 days until doomsday, and he is going to tell her the next time he sees her, or so he likes to believe he will. He’s spent the past three days agonizing over it even more now that he knows he loves her. 

He does almost tell her, but then when she comes over he can see she's not been sleeping either (although her reasons for lack of sleep had nothing to do with overflowing guilt like his), so instead of doing what he'd planned and ordered himself to do the next time he saw her, he caves to his desires and his want to comfort her and pulls her to him.

He leans down to kiss her forehead softly, something that shocks them both even if he doesn’t let himself react outwardly, before making another daring move and gently guiding her into his bed to come find sleep in his arms. 

He hates how easily he can find the courage to fall further into this hole he's created, but cannot find the strength to climb out, too scared that a change of direction will leave him stuck in this hole forever, unable to ever climb back out and be worth the time and care she gives him.

* * *

It's 22 days until doomsday and he _has_ to tell her. He _has_ to.

But again, instead of doing the hard choice (the _right_ choice), he cannot get the words to leave his mouth when he meets her at their coffee spot. She sees him and smiles widely, making his stomach flutter and flip. They sip coffee, play cards, and talk for hours until the shop keeper comes over and tells them it’s closing time.

They pack up and once they’re out the door she begins to say good bye so she can head home. His arm acts before his brain, although his brain isn’t complaining much, and he tugs her in for a tight hug. When they pull apart, her cheeks are flushed and her smile shy. He should say something, but he is weak and doesn’t want to ruin the moment. 

But then the moment is over and it’s time for her to leave. He fishes out a card, handing it to her without words and smiles at her as she walks away trying to hide the deep blush on her cheeks when she identifies the card as the queen of hearts.

* * *

It is 21 days until he will lose her if his courage keeps failing him, and he fails again: this time he fails both of them, all because he cannot resist the pout of her lips after he teases her. 

He is a man possessed as he starts pulling her scarf up and her face to his until he can finally taste her on him. His heart almost overloads when he feels her kiss back. He is trying to be gentle but is unable to hold back the passion and emotion he worries he will never be able to tell her. It's unfair to her, he knows, to act on emotions and wants that he cannot admit, but he's weak and selfish and he wants more (and more and more) so when she lets him, he accepts all that she offers.

* * *

It's 17 days until he will lose her if he doesn’t find some courage and tell her, and they have become very skilled at keeping a barrier between them. They've had plenty of practice in such a short time already and each time they only get braver and more comfortable with the risk of losing themselves to the other. He works on her neck, finding a spot that makes her sigh and decides it might just be his favorite sound. 

She is inexperienced, but a quick learner. He is more than happy to teach, enjoying her experimenting and trying new things, and she is more than happy to learn. He enjoys even more knowing he is the only one she's allowed to kiss or touch her like this; even before her mutation, she'd never had a chance for a first kiss. Every experience they’re having is a new first for her and he enjoys knowing all of these firsts belong to them and no one else. 

He finds himself wanting to be the only one who gets to kiss her, and is quickly reminded by a voice in the back of his head that he won't get to be the only one if he doesn't fess up. But fessing up is terrifying and a risk that he (for once) isn't willing to play on, even knowing how important the risk is. The voice mockingly reminds him that if he doesn't fix things she will look back on all of these firsts and regret them. That almost gets him to speak up, but when he is about to pull away so he can, he feels her soft gloved hands slip under his shirt and he loses all resolve, groaning into her neck before meeting her mouth for another feverish kiss.

* * *

It's 15 days until he will lose her if he doesn't find the courage to tell her...but she has been betrayed so many times before and he knows how that feels-he has lived a parallel life, after all. He knows he is allowing himself to give the worst betrayal unless he can admit to her everything she didn't know. He almost considers taking the coward's way out and letting a scarf slip so she will find out the second their skin touches, but as desperately as he wants her to know (so he can rip off the bandaid and maybe salvage some of what they have), he knows for that to happen he has to tell her by his own accord. It would be cheating to make her absorb his thoughts, and she deserves better than that. She deserves him sitting her down and telling her, being honest and raw and transparent. She deserves more than him, he tells himself, even as he cannot stop himself from stealing another kiss, another hour, another day of her caring back.

* * *

It's 12 days until he will lose her for sure if he doesn’t just _tell_ her, and he is lost in her and the feelings and sensations she brings out of him. He is wholly absorbed in removing whatever layers he can from her (outside of the convenient green mesh top she always wears and her tights). She is allowing him to see her as no one else has before and might not ever again, and he cannot stop himself from accepting this gift. He is a thief being offered a vault of precious gems and he doesn't know how to handle how freely she offers him such an important treasure. He will not steal more than kisses from her, but when she's offering and allowing him more he doesn't have the resolve to stop them unless she says so. 

Every day since their first kiss she has let him find something new about her, mind and body, bringing them to this point. He moves his hand down her torso, watching every reaction and listening to every sound she makes. He reminds her he'll stop anything she doesn't want and his heart breaks and reforms all in hearing the words "I trust you" fall from lips swollen with his kisses. 

He does not know what to say, so he tells her in the best way he knows. He kisses her everywhere he can find, heart in his throat because yes this _is_ a different experience when you feel this way about the person you’re with in every part of your body (including your heart). He pours all of the love and affection he cannot yet admit to into every kiss and every caress. His hand slides downward until it reaches its goal and she loses herself with almost wild abandon that only makes him love her more. He cannot stop himself from employing every trick he can think of with no holds barred, just to give her as much of himself as he can. He wants her to feel what he's feeling, but without words the only way he can guarantee that is with his fingers, then his mouth, and finally with all of him.

It turns out that when they're entwined, she could make any sound and it'll still be his favorite.

* * *

It is 9 days until he will lose her if he doesn't do something, and he covets every moment she gives him. He is the worst kind of person, he tells himself, the kind who cannot admit a betrayal to the woman he loves even when he knows how exponentially worse the betrayal will be if he cannot bring himself to admit he has been lying to her and spying on her team for months. Longer than she's known him. That she was supposed to be a job but he couldn't resist getting to know her just once (before it snowballed into needing to know her and everything she was willing to share). That her professor was actually the woman who had tricked and abused her trust more than anyone else in her life, although he knew if he continued to hide from telling her he would be just as high up on that list, if not higher.

* * *

It’s 6 days before he will lose her if he doesn’t just _do_ something and he paces his apartment anxiously. They’d had plans tonight and she’d cancelled. He’d known she would, but that didn’t stop him from hoping he could keep her from going into that mall to face Scarlet Witch. She can handle herself, he knows, but that doesn’t make him feel any less panicked imagining all the damage the witch would create.

When she finally shows up, he cannot resist pulling her into the longest hug she’ll let him. She is frustrated and upset and a little bruised, so she lets him. He is grateful when she doesn’t protest as he picks her up bridal style and carries her to his bed. 

He doesn’t have words right now, even though he really needs them. She asks if he had a shitty day too. He pulls her closer and buries his nose in her hair as he nods, wishing he could say any of the things he needed to.

He falls asleep to her gently stroking his back, comforted knowing as long as he has her in his arms, she’s safe.

* * *

It's 5 days before he betrays her and he memorizes the lines and curves of her face and body, relishing every sigh and every hoarse moan she gifts him. He can tell her tomorrow, he convinces himself. Tonight he can allow them to be lost in each other. Tonight he can file everything away as another moment with her to never lose. Tonight he will cover her with love (as cheesy as that sounds) even if he is strong enough to keep himself from telling her how he feels (funny, he thinks to himself, that he can find the strength to not tell her he loves her but cannot find the strength to tell her the information that prevents him from confessing his love in the first place). Tomorrow he will tell her. Tomorrow he will be ready.

* * *

It's 3 days before he betrays her and he knows she will survive losing him, but he's not so sure anymore he will survive losing her. 

He never thought he'd genuinely care about someone this way. He'd always been good at faking it or convincing himself, but this was something different: something he was about to lose if he couldn't rid himself of the anxiety mounting more each day.

He cannot get the right words out of his mouth. He almost lets the wrong words out of his mouth and admits to something he knows could make this the spectacularly worst betrayal she'd ever experience, but catches himself in time: he cannot love her the way his heart says if he's willing to tell it to her in a way that could eventually hurt her even more.

* * *

It is less than 24 hours that he has left to tell her. He just wants this one last night with her. He is selfish, he knows, and he cannot bring himself to lose her sooner than he already will. If he tells her, he could lose her anyway. He has already let them both down every day he has omitted the truth.

He is not ready for her to stop directing her soft smiles at him. He is not ready for the spark of contentment in her eyes to become contempt. He is not ready to lose the way she looks up at him, still shy but eyes filled with trust and lust, as he grabs a scarf from his side table (they'd ended up littered around the apartment in recent weeks) and pulls her to him. He is not ready to lose the way her breath hitches when his body molds to hers, desperation for one more kiss making his chest ache. 

He is not ready to lose the way her mouth moves against his, aggressive although still unsure in the most endearing of ways. He is not ready to lose the gasps she makes when his hands rake down her sides featherlight and gentle. 

He is not ready to lose the way she calls for him as he worships her body, knowing this is the last time he will be welcome at her alter if he doesn't fix this. He is not ready to lose her pulling him just as close as they rock in rhythm with one another, chasing each other's release. He is not ready to lose the way she pulls him in for a kiss even as her breath catches. He is not ready to lose the way she comes undone around him, the way she looks at him once they finish, out of breath and content, the way he only has to look into her eyes to know he has never felt so damn happy as when he’s with her. 

He is not ready to lose her curling up at his side, wrapped up in his shirt, and gently brushing his bangs from his forehead as they come down from their high, or the way she smiles when he cannot resist and sweetly leans over to kiss her.

He is selfish and he is not ready to lose her.

* * *

It’s 12 hours until there’s no turning back, and he loses his chance. He wants to tell himself if only she hadn’t had to rush to some emergency at home (an emergency he already knew was coming) he would have finally had the courage to tell her.

But she is throwing on clothes and rushing to grab her bag even as she explains she’s sorry and that she has to go home right now, so by the time his groggy brain realizes what’s happening, he barely has time to catch her before she runs out the door.

She tells him she’ll see him later and stretches up on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. His heart sinks as he realizes it’s not enough. He pulls up her scarf and wishes this kiss would never end. He cannot bring himself to let go of her until she pulls away, distracted by her phone ringing off the hook.

He leans down for one last kiss and she laughs, commenting on how cuddly he is this morning. He kisses her forehead in response, using this moment to take in everything about her. To memorize how she looks and how she looks at him. She smiles and reminds him she’ll see him later.

He knows she will. But not in the way she’s thinking.

* * *

It's 2:54 in the afternoon when he meets her on the battlefield, eyes begging her to let him explain. All he has left is the hope that she’ll give him a chance to explain, even if he absolutely does not deserve it under any circumstances. He'd had months to tell (countless hours to slip the information into conversation or stop whatever it was they were doing for her sake), and he couldn’t. He has no excuse. Her face goes blank and she looks anywhere but him.

* * *

It's 2:56pm and he has lost all focus on what Magneto’s damn plan even was when John sends a claw made of fire after her. He is grateful to an X man (other than her) for the first time when he sees the weather witch save her.

* * *

It's 3:07pm and he finally allows himself to approach her after the big reveal, feeling timid for perhaps the first time in his memory. He knows he has lost her even before he’s near enough to see the look in her eyes. Her fury is unparalleled and matched only by his despair. Her hurt is buried so deep he shrinks up into himself knowing this is all his fault. He ran out his clock and now he has lost her.

He has lost her even before he hands her a lightly charged card, not enough to hurt her-he’s already done that enough. 

He cannot bring himself to hand her the queen of hearts, for the moment she saw his betrayal and he'd lost her he'd known that title no longer belonged to the card. Instead he grabs the queen's other half, pouring a little of his self loathing into it. The king doesn't deserve his queen.

He runs off before the card explodes, no longer able to handle the look in her eyes or able to face either of the explosions he himself had caused.


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So look this was originally supposed to be 3 parts, but it just felt right to make it 4. That also kind of allowed for each part to be a different season of the show as well.
> 
> This wasn't supposed to be so crazy long (I'd really meant to write just a short one shot of drabbles) but it got out of hand and suddenly it was 17k. I'm glad to see people enjoying it.
> 
> thanks to thehazeofdusk per usual for all the encouragement and support and love you gave this fic :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It has been 2 days since he betrayed her and he has finally gathered the last piece of information on the guard schedule in Area 51. He has not slept in hours, but he doesn't care. He cannot sleep even if he wanted to. Every time he tries he is haunted by how she looked at him when she found out he'd been working for the enemy or nightmares of her being tortured in whatever lab they'd taken her to, or (almost as bad) sweet memories and moments they'd shared that always ended with her face morphing into the same expression she'd had when she saw him that day.

He is surviving due to excessive caffeine and desperation to save her from the mutant haters who captured her. Desperation, he thinks to himself, is a feeling he's become all too familiar with.

* * *

It has been 2 and a half days since he betrayed her and he has his path through the guard watches planned. He is making last minute preparations to leave when he hears a soft knock on his door. He swallows hard, knowing he must be imagining it (as he did several times before), but allows himself to hope she managed to escape without him and she'd come back to him to let him explain.

He trips over his shoes on the floor as he stumbles to the door, opening it and feeling simultaneously like he can breathe again and like all the air has been knocked out of his lungs.

She is disheveled, with dark circles under her eyes that rival his own. She looks dead on her feet, but there is a strength behind her eyes that he cannot help but feel proud of even as he knows it will be his undoing.

When he asks her to come in, she hesitates, hands clenched at her sides. He feels like a house of cards about to be tipped over by forces he cannot control or influence (anymore). He had the all the opportunities to make things right before they went wrong and he hadn't had the courage to do so. He'd been so wrapped up in wanting to have her continue to believe the best in him that he'd let every chance slip away. He'd made things worse for her the more entwined they'd become. For the first time in his life he hadn't been willing to take a gamble on something, even if it meant doing the right thing.

His heart was in her hands now and he'd given up the right to control the situation when he'd selfishly been too scared to admit the truth to her.

He lets the door close softly behind her and just stares at her, letting her have the opportunity to speak first. She glares at him, arms crossed and lips pressed tight.

He wants to hug her. To tell her how worried he was. To rain kisses all over her face and body. To tell her he's sorry and he wants to explain. To make sure she knows he loves her and everything he'd done, good and bad, was a result of how much he loved her and how terrified he was of losing her. He wants to tell her he knows how wrong he'd been and he'd known he was wrong at the time, but he hadn't want to lose her. He wants to make sure she knows he's not sorry because he got caught. He's sorry because he hurt them both and sorry because he did the wrong thing.

She doesn't seem to be able to speak either. He wonders if maybe he should say something, but it doesn't feel right to. She looks down at something in her hand and his heart sinks even lower, knowing exactly what it is she's holding. She extends it out to him and he wills himself not to break down.

He did this to them. He doesn't get to cry.

He shakes his head and hears his voice quieter than ever before, pleading with her to not make him take it back. To please just keep it. Just in case.

She stands frozen for what feels like forever, staring at him. He sees pain in her eyes and wonders briefly if any part of it could be feeling conflicted, or if it's all just pain.

He hears himself asking her to please just let him explain, and then his voice saying just "please" one more time, unable to stop himself.

She looks down, and his heart feels like it exists again when this time he clearly sees the indecision in her face. He shouldn't have let himself hope though. She takes a deep breath and he knows what's coming even before she turns and leaves, setting the key to his apartment on the table by the door.

* * *

It's been 4 days since he ruined everything and he finds himself wondering if this is what he's reduced himself to: some hired gun who does whatever their boss requests and no moral backbone of their own.

* * *

It's been 10 days since he ruined everything, and he can't bring himself to care much when Magneto sends him on a job to recruit the Brotherhood boys to save Pietro. That is until he shows up at Bayville High and sees her, talks to her, is able to check if she's okay. He thinks maybe with time she will be, even if he's created even more trust issues for her to wrestle with.

When she runs up to him, demanding to know what he's doing there, she speaks with the same tone he's heard her use with Alvers or Tolansky. Her face and eyes are a perfect mask he cannot see through. That stings, but he can't blame her after what he did. He simply gives her the best casual farewell he can.

He knows it's petty to pretend to be as unaffected as her, but he knows if he didn't he would be on his knees begging her again for a chance to explain.

* * *

It's been 11 days since he ruined everything and he finds himself in a bar hoping for anything or anyone that can numb this pain. But there is nothing, no one. He goes home to the base just as alone, drunker than a skunk. He wakes up 12 days since he ruined everything with a raging hangover to nurse along with his damn heart.

* * *

It's been 13 days since he ruined everything and he has taken to watching Pete paint. When Pete paints, he talks softly, but loud enough Remy doesn't have to be alone with his own thoughts.

* * *

It's been 14 days since he ruined everything and he wonders if he still could be the kind of man he wanted to be when she was with him. He wonders if, even if he can't have her in his life, being that man for himself could be enough?

He wonders if he'd tried to be that man sooner, would he have created this void of self destruction in his life? Or would 'better Remy' have found a better way to deal with his banishment from home and been able to be proud of who he was when he finally met her?

* * *

It's been 17 days since he made the biggest mistake of his life and his chest feels like a hole has been punched in it. This might be the longest he has gone without seeing her since knowing her, he thinks.

* * *

It's been 19 days since he made the biggest mistake of his life and he finds himself continuing to wonder what he would do right now if he were a better man. He wonders if he would go to get a contract with Xavier or work in the private sector. Or do thieving jobs, but only the ones that he deems worthy. It's unrealistic, he knows. He has created his path in life and straying from it at this point might be impossible.

* * *

It's been 20 days since he made the biggest mistake of his life and Magneto is brainwashing his daughter. Looking at Pete, he knows he is not the only one feeling conflicted about this. Problem is, Pete has to go along with Magneto's plans if he wants to save his family. If Remy doesn't go along with Magneto's plans, he's technically a free agent with no one for Magneto to threaten.

As they exit the chamber, he thinks to himself this is stupid. He is the wrong person to be trying to save someone. A desire to make the right choice isn't much without a plan and he has no experience making this kind of plan. Still, his brain continues to try to come up with some way to help. He comes up with nothing until he smells sulfur.

He follows his nose and sneaks around a corner to hear the tell tale sounds of the teleporter and...Toad? But not Toad. He sure moves like Toad though.

The two are running around, very loudly trying to be quiet and fighting over rescuing Wanda. The alarms start blaring and Remy takes a deep breath. Here in Magneto's secret base is potentially the stupidest time to actually act on his conscience…

He turns and runs away from them, passing on to his team that he'd seen nothing suspicious in that direction. It might not be the most direct way to help, but he'd never committed himself to being a full out hero and he's new at this. It's a start, he thinks.

When Magneto realizes his daughter is gone, Remy gets a feeling in his chest he'd only previously associated with making Rogue happy. Maybe being a better man isn't as impossible as he'd thought.

* * *

It's been 25 days since he made the biggest mistake of his life, and he's not going to make the same mistake twice. He'd been sitting around Magneto's base in his freetime (even moved into the room set aside for him here-his apartment still holds too many memories he cannot face) when he hears Magneto make a passing comment about Mystique being back barely a second and then and running off as some purple haired teenager.

He doesn't care if he raises suspicions or not when he demands to know where Mystique has gone to.

Magneto gets a funny look in his eye, but after a few seconds says he couldn't guess.

Remy has a guess though. A very good guess.

* * *

It's still been 25 days since he made the biggest mistake of his life and he cannot find her anywhere. He has been circling the school, looking for any sign of either Rogue or Risty. Finally, just as he's about to get desperate and just call her (would she have blocked his number?), he hears her southern twang explaining her powers, answered back by the british voice he was expecting. He hears Risty (Mystique, god how could he have missed that?) convince Rogue to go to some concert and then she is back in her school building again, safe from him but not her mother.

* * *

It's still been 25 days since he made the biggest mistake of his life and he finally manages to separate her from Mystique for about five minutes after school. She does her best to avoid him, but he tells her she needs to hear this and doesn't stop to wait for permission. He knows she will tell him no, but if he can do one good thing for her and keep her away from whatever Mystique is planning, maybe he can be the kind of man he wants to be. So he presses on ahead trying to quickly tell her not to trust Risty.

She is angry, and tells him that's funny coming from him. He knows and tells her so, as well as telling her he wouldn't ask her to trust him (he knows he doesn't deserve that), but he won't make the same mistake twice and he needs her to know who Risty is.

He sees Risty coming and he steps close, pulling Rogue into a hug to hopefully cover their conversation enough Mystique won't notice who he is. Rogue is frozen still as a statue as his lips trace the air by her ear, whispering to her as quickly as possible that Mystique is Risty.

He doesn't stop and wait for her to respond (if Mystique found out he was there she would just adjust her plan and try something different) or let himself hold her for a second longer than necessary. He'd already decided he didn't get to be selfish with her again. He takes off as subtle as possible, thankful he left his duster at home to give Mystique less of a chance of recognizing him.

He only hopes she believes him.

* * *

It's still been 25 days since he made the biggest mistake of his life and he is furious to see Mystique putting Rogue in such a vulnerable position and frustrated with Rogue for going along with it. He knows it's his own damn fault she doesn't believe him, but he's still mad at the situation he created. The chaos he sees at the concert venue has to have been Rogue, he realizes, heart sinking.

He drives up and down every street in the city, only to luck out hearing Mystique fighting with herself.

He gets there just in time, screeching to a halt, to hear Mystique yell after his girl about...being her mother?

Remy doesn't have time to think about that right now. He jumps off his bike and attacks Mystique just as she goes to chase after Rogue, sending multiple cards right at her torso to knock her down and keep her down.

He never does get to see Rogue again that night, outside of a storm he's pretty sure was her. He knows he saw the X men take off to save her from herself though, so he makes himself step back. He will check on her tomorrow.

* * *

It's been 26 days since he royally fucked everything up and she isn't at school. When he drops by the Institute later that day to spy on the grounds, he finds no new information.

* * *

It's been 27 days since he royally fucked everything up and he thinks to himself that perhaps the reason the X men went on and on about saving people wasn't out of some rigid sense of duty and justice, but more because it feels better to be able to use your powers to fight for someone who needs it.

* * *

It's been 30 days since he royally fucked everything up and he is antsy as all get out. Pete convinces him to paint with him instead of just watch today. It helps some.

* * *

It's officially been 32 days since he royally fucked up and he is not going to sit around twiddling his thumbs anymore. He knows she's in the infirmary at the X House and he's going insane imagining what she could be going through cooped up in there. He can't glean any information from her teammates, she hasn't been outside the mansion in a week, and breaking into the mansion would be a good test of his skills anyway.

* * *

It's been 33 days since he royally fucked up and he's got to admit he's proud of himself for making it into the mansion, finding an elevator, and making his way through the maze downstairs to the infirmary completely undetected.

She is the only one there, looking so small and pale in her bed. He draws near and his heartbeat increases. Her hair had fallen in her face again. Worried of waking her and upsetting her, but unable to resist all the same, he gently tucks hair behind her ear. He intends on stopping there, but then finds himself unable to stop himself from threading his fingers through her hair. He allows himself for a moment to imagine she wants him here or that they are instead back in his bed with her curled up in his arms, smiling at him.

But it turns out the smile isn't only his imagination. Her eyes flutter open and in her daze she softly says his name, lips turning up softly at the edges. His heart thuds and he almost stumbles over his words as he leans closer, still playing with her hair, and confirms it's him. He's here.

And then her smile is gone and she is crying, large tears she tries to cover up with her hands as she hides her face from him. He doesn't know what to do, if reaching out for her is welcome. But she hasn't told him to leave, so he sits himself next to her on the cot and slowly gathers her in his arms, giving her plenty of time to pull away.

He holds her as she sobs into his shoulder, his heart breaking with hers as she tells him everything that had happened: her powers, her mother, the concert, how she should have listened to him.

He strokes her hair and kisses the top of her head, telling her they can't change the past. She didn't believe him for a reason. He continues rubbing her back and subconsciously rocking side to side in an attempt to comfort them both as she tells him she hated that this whole time all she'd wanted was for him to be here, even though she knows she shouldn't. That she wishes he had just told her the truth before like he did with Mystique. That she hates he never told her the truth and she should hate him too.

She doesn't say she actually hates him though (just that she wants to, he reminds himself), and that gives him a small amount of hope he can make things up to her over time, somehow. He can't fix anything and make it how it was, but he can spend his time trying to repair all the wounds he'd caused her if she'll let him.

She tells him Wolverine's going to kill him if he stays any longer. He replies that he doesn't care. He's staying as long as she wants.

He tries not to let his sadness show when she tells him she doesn't know what she wants and him being there probably isn't a good idea. He knows she's right, he's still the enemy after all (an enemy who betrayed her), but he finally has her in his arms and he knows he is too selfish to leave of his own accord right now. He asks if she really wants him to go now, and is surprised when her answer is not yet.

She lets him hold her until the tears stop. He wishes he could kiss them away, but knows that would be a step too far.

* * *

It's been 34 days since doomsday and he cannot resist sneaking back into the Institute one more time. She is half asleep when he arrives but when she sees him, she calls for him and lets him come close like he used to. He knows he is testing his luck as he squeezes onto her cot with her, but it turns out it was the right decision. She falls asleep in his arms and he thinks to himself that maybe there's a small chance he didn't ruin everything after all.

* * *

It's been 35 days and he already wants to go see her again, but he knows (and she told him again on the second night) that the risk is too high and she still can't fully handle seeing him right now. Her head is a mess right now with all the psyches fighting at her. She cannot think about him and add her own problems into the mix.

He understands, as much as he wishes her answer were different. He knows he should be grateful for her wanting to see him at all at this point and selfishly continuing to visit because he wants to be around her is the kind of shit that created this problem in the first place.

When she falls asleep tucked into his side, he closes his eyes momentarily, able to imagine that things were as they used to be before he screwed everything up, or that it was maybe some time in the future and he'd become the kind of man she deserves (the kind of man he deserves to let himself be) and she trusted him enough to come back to him.

He sleeps in his apartment that night instead of the base and is surprised to find he drifts off to sleep quickly.

* * *

It's been 37 days now and he is reminded again that he hates Warren Worthington III. Who does he think he is, just casually discussing with Jean going again to visit Rogue tomorrow? How many times has Warren gone to visit her? Did she ask for him to come? Has she let him hug or hold her in comfort? And who does he think he is brainstorming out loud during a mission the best get well gift he can give her?

He almost scoffs noticeably when Warren asks Jean if she thinks Rogue would like a giant stuffed bear with balloons, fancy white chocolate, and a bouquet of roses and carnations. She hates four out of five of those things. Plus it's overkill.

He knows he is jealous. There's no denying that. It's not so much he's jealous of Warren as a person, as it is he's jealous Warren has the freedom to come and go and visit her openly as many times as he wants.

Still, he cannot stop his brain from conjuring the image of her being held by this ginormous prick and he has to concentrate incredibly hard to pull back the charge from the cards he'd been shuffling in his anxiety.

Logically he knows she's too guarded for that. Emotionally it's a different story. He knows she doesn't trust people that easily, but the knowledge that his fuck up had opened the door to any man who might want to court her makes him nervous.

The pain of knowing she would rather be alone than with him is too much as it is: the idea that some day (apparently in the not too distant future, if Warren had any say) she could choose another person rather than be with him is too much altogether, even if it was all his fault.

* * *

It's been 39 days now and he thinks he's pretty sure he can find enough info to crack Magneto's computer code, what with how distracted the man has been by Apocalypse. Pete doesn't deserve to be stuck here with his family's safety holding him hostage.

* * *

It's been 45 days and he finally sees her back at school. He is trying to not check in too often, but he still can't help but worry for her safety. She is exhausted, but laughing with her friends. She looks alive again. Maybe not whole, but alive. Maybe, he thinks, she's going to be okay.

* * *

It's 49 days and 4 days since he's last seen her. He'd kept to himself after he saw that laugh. He hides it away in his memories and gives her space to keep feeling better without him. He loves her enough to know he's already been far too selfish with her; he doesn't get to do it again.

* * *

It's been 55 days total now and 10 days since he's last seen her. She is right in front of him, although not fully herself. He watches from the sidelines trying to figure out what's going on as she easily kicks Pyro and then Pete's asses. He gives her a round of applause, hoping to buy for time and figure out what's happening. She turns around and her face is slack, eyes glazed over. It's eerie and now he really knows this isn't her choice.

No matter what he says, he cannot snap her out of it. He could knock her out easily and maybe that would stop whatever's messing with her brain, but he can't actually bring himself to seriously consider that just yet.

They are fighting, rolling around and jumping back and forth as she tries to touch his skin. He knows this has got to be someone else controlling her, but part of him hopes the fact that she's not fighting him with the same aggression he saw for Pete and John means she's fighting back and he can reach her.

He continues talking, fishing for answers and continuing to buy for time as he tries to think of a way to snap her out of this. And then she uses her ace in the hole.

He is lost in her the second her lips touch his. He knows he needs to pull away but he does not want her to stop, not after it's been so long. He feels her lips move against his even as he starts passing out.

* * *

It's been 56 days and if Wolverine and Sabretooth don't shut the fuck up he's gonna kick their asses off this mountain himself. Rogue is out there with Mystique and Mesmero. She's basically alone, under mind control, and stuffed full of mutant powers. He's going to find her and he's going to save her with their help or without: he will not let himself fail this time. If Wolverine and Sabretooth continue to bicker and get in the way of that, he's not going to keep playing peacemaker.

* * *

It's still been 56 days and he has found her, but he's also failed. He fights his way to Apocalypse's tomb, desperately hoping he can get to her in time so she and the world are not destroyed. Passively, he wonders when saving the entire world became a genuine concern of his. Probably some time around deciding he was going to be a better man even if he couldn't have her in his life.

Apocalypse lets go of Rogue, who slumps to the ground, and lets out an energy blast, sending everyone in the chamber backwards.

* * *

It's still been 56 days and he is not going to leave or let her go unless she tells him to. Wolverine and Cyclops both come over to take her from his arms and Remy recognizes the confusion in their eyes when she only clutches him tighter in response, but can't find it within himself to care what they're thinking. Hell, what anyone's thinking. Their secret is out there for everyone to see, but again, he really can't make himself care. Not when she's sobbing, curled in his arms. She is racked with guilt over letting loose the Apocalypse, angry with her mother for making it happen, and mad at herself most of all for not being able to fight back more.

He tries to comfort her and remind her Mesmero made her do it. She didn't choose to. She just continues to sob though and he keeps holding her, trying to keep her together as best he can. He whispers he's here as he kisses her hair and tries to tell her they'll fix this. He rests his head on her hair and thinks how he wants to always keep her safe in his arms, even if he knows keeping her safe from this might be something he cannot do.

* * *

It's been 57 days and a lot has changed, just with work. His boss is...dead? Disappeared?

Either way, he is now a free agent for the first time in a long time. He feels good about the fact that Pete is now too. Poor guy had been in a state of panic once Magneto disappeared. It had felt good to be able to drop a USB into the Russian's hands and tell him it contained his family's location.

He is back in his apartment, finally able to handle it, cooking up something to eat when he hears a very tentative knock on his door. He flicks off the burners and walks over quickly, not wanting to get his hopes up but also aware she is the only one who knows he lives here.

Once the door is open, their eyes meet and they stare at each other for what feels like forever until she breaks the silence. He tried to save her, she says.

He doesn't know what to say, so he nods in confirmation. Of course he did. He loves her. That's never changed and it probably won't ever change. He knows he never got to tell her, but surely she must understand how much he cares for her?

She looks away and then back at him, seeming to be making a decision. He waits with bated breath, knowing whatever she decides is about to change something. He feels like he can finally breathe when she steps forward, wraps her arms around him, and whispers thank you.

He doesn't give her the chance to chicken out and pulls her tightly to him as gently as he can manage, wanting to hold her so close he can keep even her sadness at bay. This is the first time she has reached for him since finding out he'd lied to her and he is stunned. He risks a kiss to her forehead (knowing it's different when he's not holding her as she sobs) and buries his hand through her hair. She doesn't protest and he finds his heart hurting in a good way this time.

He's not sure how long they stand like that, just holding each other, before she pulls back. He watches her cautiously, hoping she is not about to break the heart he'd been working so hard to heal and grow.

She's not sure what she wants, she says, but she can't keep forcing herself to be mad at him.

He brushes her silver bangs from her face and gently smiles at her, brushing his knuckles against her cheek.

She doesn't need to know. He ruined everything and he knows that hurt her too, and he tells her so. He asks if she wants to figure it out together.

When she nods in confirmation before turning and leaving, he is dumbfounded but definitely happy for the first time in 57 days.


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the shortest part (probably because season 4 didn't have as many small things to draw upon as the other seasons).
> 
> Thanks to thehazeofdusk (per usual) for reading ahead of time :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy and thank you for reading :)

It's been 3 days since she gave him hope again and he gets a call on his phone. It's his brother. He hasn't heard from anyone in New Orleans since he was banished and it's an overwhelming lot to hear from his old home. It's too much to hope his brother just wanted to say hi though, and soon Remy is sitting at his table with his head in his hands.

His father's been kidnapped by beginner assassins and as heir to the guild, Henri can't do anything. Henri doesn't even know which hideout Jean Luc is being kept in or what kind of security they have.

* * *

It's been 4 days since she gave him hope again and he sends her a text, asking if she wants to meet for coffee. He does not intend to nor will he let himself ask for her help with his problem, but he does want to check in on her and their coffee shop is a whole hell of a lot more neutral than his apartment.

He's not really surprised when she declines, but he takes it as a good sign she texted him back.

* * *

It's been 5 days since she gave him hope again and he thinks of a foolproof plan. A plan he knows he cannot under any circumstances try.

* * *

It's been 6 days since she gave him hope again and all of his sources in New Orleans have gone dry. He's on his own now.

* * *

It's been 7 days since she gave him hope again and a better Remy wouldn't ask this of her.

* * *

It's been 8 days since she gave him hope again and he sees her at school. She is lonely and withdrawn, as he expected. He hears her get into a fight with Cyclops and Nightcrawler. He sees the conflict and anger in her every move and wishes he knew of a way to help her.

* * *

It's been 9 days since she gave him hope again and a better Remy really wouldn't be considering if a trip to the south could soothe Rogue in her time of turmoil as well as help him fix his problem.

* * *

It's been 10 days since she gave him hope again and he hears her in another fight about Mystique. He is not surprised Rogue's anger got the better of her and she destroyed her mother, but he is sad for the extra pandemonium it brings her.

* * *

It's been 11 days since she gave him hope again and he knows if he doesn't get to his father soon, he won't have a father anymore. He knows Jean Luc wouldn't dream of doing the same for him, but a good person probably would save their father this once. He knows what he has to do, even if it puts knots in his stomach. He tries to convince himself he's going to be helping her get past some of this shit going on if she comes with him.

* * *

It's been almost 12 days since she gave him hope again and he berates himself for seriously considering this. He could ruin everything he's trying to build for a man who hasn't given two shits about him in years.

* * *

It's been 12 days since she gave him hope again and he takes a deep breath before pulling her into an alley.

She is on the attack and ready to fight as she whips around to see it's him. She is confused enough she doesn't attack right away. His words feel caught in his stomach and it takes her telling him to spit it out for him to tell her the whole story; his father, the Rippers, why he's the only one who can save Jean Luc...and why he is asking her for help. He is not a babbler, but he finds himself unable to stop his pitch once he starts and tells her the second part: maybe she needs a breather. Maybe getting down to the south and out of Bayville could be good for her. That he knows he's got no right to ask, but he has to try and she's the only one he trusts with something like this.

There are so many different emotions on her face he cannot figure out what she's thinking. He focuses on keeping his face still and not talking more, overwhelming her. She considers long enough that he is not expecting it when she asks when they'll leave.

* * *

It's been 12 days since she gave him hope again and he still can't believe she said yes. They spend the first hour or so in the train car discussing the best course of action once they get there. He's already thought most of this through, but he takes care to give her the freedom of suggestion and autonomy as they finalize things. They are then left with many hours left on the train to fill.

He pulls out his cards as a way for them to fill the silence, knowing conversation is not a route either of them can currently handle. As time flies by he relaxes himself, knowing it will help her relax in turn. They keep topics light and eventually he is unable to stop himself from beaming with pride as she lets out a real, full laugh at something he says.

* * *

It's been 12 days since she gave him hope again and being back in New Orleans is making him anxious. He is surprised when she takes the deck of cards he'd been constantly shuffling since they got off the train and slips her hand into his. She looks up to him with a question in her eyes he can only answer by smiling down at her and giving her hand a squeeze back.

* * *

It's been barely 13 days since she gave him hope again and if his father asks about her powers one more time Remy's leaving him in the bayou for the gators.

Not only are they under attack, but he will not let his father try to drag his girl into the guild life. Luckily she isn't buying Jean Luc's bull either. They make it across the bayou just in time for her family to show up, all immediately crowding around her and overwhelming her with questions about why Gambit had kidnapped her.

Wolverine heads straight for Remy, pinning him to a tree and waving his claws in Remy's face. He can't say he's a fan of all the accusations, but he does understand where they're coming from.

Rogue intervenes, pulling Logan off of him. She tries to explain as quickly as possible to her mentor and Remy stands there quietly for once, letting her handle this, just happy to see the spark back in her eyes.

Wolverine is pissed, ranting and raving about how wrong and irresponsible her choice was. Was she even intending on coming back? Did she even consider how worried they were for her? Especially considering what happened the last time she went missing?

Her voice cracks as she yells back that sometimes people do the wrong thing for the right reason.

There is a stunned silence and Remy barely allows himself to hope she means more than her neglecting to tell her family she was running down to New Orleans; that maybe she understands the reason for his mistake was good too. He did all the wrong things by lying to her, but he really did love her (still loves her, he knows. He doesn't think he can ever stop, if he's being truthful, and he's okay with that now).

* * *

It's the morning of the 14th day since she gave him hope back and again he wakes up to a knock on his door. He runs from the bedroom, stumbling over his jeans as he pulls them on, not bothering with a shirt. He barely has the door open before she is kissing him and he knows this is a dream he never wants to wake up from. He feels the smooth silk of a scarf between their lips and is left to wonder if maybe this could actually be real.

He cannot stop to think about that when she is kissing him with so much passion he almost forgets how he ruined them in the first place. He kicks the door shut and picks her up, settling between her legs once he places her on his kitchen counter. He groans when he feels her legs wrap around him, melding them together. Her hands run over his bare torso and although their recent lack of practice could make his lack of shirt dangerous, he finds kissing through a barrier is like riding a bicycle.

He pulls back, trying to form a coherent thought, but then her lips are on his neck, sliding the scarf with her as if no time had passed and her gloved hands are playing with the band of his jeans and he feels like she's leaving behind a trail of fire everywhere she touches.

He manages to speak, telling her he doesn't want to do something she'll regret. She stops kissing him for a moment and looks up at him. He almost wants to cry when he sees the look in her eyes. She softly kisses his lips before replying they won't, as if it's now the simplest thing ever, and then the kisses start anew and he is lost in her once more.

He cannot think past her hands unbuttoning his jeans and his newfound ability to finally be able to touch everywhere on her he has missed. They are both gasping into their kisses as they frantically move against each other, hips rolling and creating friction they have both been craving.

He stills her hands and tilts her chin up, needing to see her face when he makes his only request. He can't handle having her back for only a night. If she wants this (them), he needs her to be sure they are wanting the same thing. He cannot be a temporary dock for her boat. He will be her home, her harbour, but he will not be able to handle thinking she wants the same things, only to find out she doesn't and he has lost her again.

She smiles his favorite soft smile he's missed so much and tells him she doesn't know how fast she can go, but she knows what she wants now.

He doesn't need to hear anymore as he lifts her and carries her to his bed.

* * *

When he wakes up in the morning, she is gone; the only indication she was there is a rumpling in the other side of his sheets.

His heart drops until he looks on the pillow next to him and sees both a queen and king of hearts lain there next to each other.

* * *

She won't take her key back yet and she is still too scared to talk to him freely again like they used to, but she shows up every night and he'll take what she is able and choosing to offer at whatever speed she needs, especially on the newfound hope that they can fix this over time.

* * *

Every time she shows up he is newly grateful, and every time she shows up he finds another moment of peace and some confirmation that maybe, just maybe, if she is able to try to forgive him after how badly he betrayed her, he did set himself on the right path.

He is shocked to find he is even more grateful that while she inspired said path, he's doing this for himself too.

* * *

Sometimes they sit in compatible silence, just wrapped up in finding comfort with one another. Sometimes they make their way to the coffee shop, although more for the ability to hold hands while they walk than for the actual coffee. Sometimes they hurriedly rip each other's clothes off in a struggle to get their bodies as close as possible. Sometimes they cook, also pretty quietly. They're not exactly what they were before, but Remy's heart feels like it's overflowing with the amount of affection he is able to freely show her again and the ability to see her smiling back at him outside of his dreams. Being able to touch the slope of her back as he moves around her in the kitchen, or plop a kiss on her head, or lean down for a kiss is something he'd not let himself hope for. He doesn't know what to do with himself now that she is back, but he knows he is headed somewhere he feels hopeful about for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Apocalypse is coming and the final battle plans are drawn up. She sits on his couch, trying to calm him after telling him the plans. He's not having it.

Of course, she is put right in the middle of it. Of course they couldn't come up with a different plan or let someone else take on all the danger.

She stands and puts her hand on his chest to stop his frantic pacing. He tells her if she's about to tell him she has to finish what she started he might scream.

So she says nothing and instead takes his hand to pull him to the bed.

When they have finished, she is curled up at his side just like old times, but he still cannot remove the furrow from his brow in worry. She brushes long bangs from his head and this time she leans in to kiss him.

She tells him there's more to the plan. He closes his eyes and nods. He might as well hear it now.

She puts her hand on his cheek and turns his head towards hers. He opens his eyes just as she tells him she wants him to be there with her so neither of them have to worry about the person they love getting hurt.

He bolts up, staring at her in shock and can't keep himself from dumbly demanding she repeat that.

She grins back at him and simply tells him she got clearance for him to be there with her in the final battle.

He tackles her then and finds himself covering her face with kisses as they both laugh. Her breath catches in her throat as he kisses down it, thankful for the large number of scarves constantly littered around his apartment again, hands already working their way down the curve of her hips to the insides of her thighs.

He pours every ounce of feeling right back into her, kissing and nipping and touching every place he knows will make her sigh and moan. They are grasping at each other tightly like they never want to come apart. He pulls his face back from her body momentarily, never stopping their body's rhythms, before leaning down and kissing her face over and over, whispering the words he has wanted to say to her for so long, the words he never thought he'd be able to tell her: He loves her. He loves her so damn much.

He is shaking and gasping when they both finish, but nothing leaves him more breathless as when she leans up to his ear and whispers that she loves him too.

* * *

He knows the X Men aren't a fan of her demand that he join them in the final battle against Apocalypse, but he's glad they know that like hell is Remy going to let her go save the world without him there to watch her back as well.

It kills him to watch her take off with Cannonball, but he knows enough to stick to the plan and stay behind to help everyone else.

When all the pieces finally come crumbling down and Wolverine radios Apocalypse is gone, Remy waits at the entrance of the pyramid until he finally sees her, helping her brother along. The relief he feels at seeing her whole and well overwhelms him and the second Kurt lets go, he is twirling her around before finally gathering her in his arms tightly and kissing her with everything he has, telling her he loves her and thrilled to hear her confirm again that she loves him too.

Almost shyly, she pulls away. He looks at her questioningly before she finally looks up to meet his eyes. She smiles, a full smile with flushed cheeks and he hears the second set of words that finalize the path he's been working towards this whole time: "Ready to join the X Men, Swamp Rat?"

-end-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone who stopped by to read and i hope you enjoyed :D


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